Thunder Was Here

I'm awakened by my dog barking quietly at distant thunder; wrestled from the peace of dreams back to a reality I despise. My bed is empty save the dog I shared with my first love, the wife of my youth. The life we shared is as distant as the inaudible thunder of a storm passed by. The only evidence it existed is the wreckage left behind.

Here come the tears again. They don't belong to her. They belong to another. I try and pretend they aren't there, that everything is getting better. I try and have a facade that everything is okay. Truth is I'm lonely. Extremely lonely. My friends seem close but they're really far away. I don't have an intimate bond with them. I don't think I ever will. I would lay my life down for them. They might do the same for me. But they will never truly know me. They can't. They already share that bond with their spouses.

Lonely. Tired. Awake. Sad. Headache has crept in to join my heartache. Time moves slow for me. There will not be a second escape to dreamland tonight.

I ache for that which I had but a taste of. Months that felt like seconds. Someone who could know the real me. A second chance at love. Not convenience. Not lust. Not selfishness. But real true love. The kind that only God creates. Intimacy in the likeness of my relationship with Him. I want her to know me like He does. I want her to need me like I need Him. I want her to lay it all on the line, to take a chance on me.

So I wait. And I cry. I lose sleep. Concentration and focus escape me. My only defenses against this heartache are prayer and writing. Tonight I needed them both and still I cry. I am unable and unwilling to give up on her. She is too special. She just might be worth every tear-filled sleepless night. Though I may never find out I will wait for her as long as I am able. I fear my strength is nearly gone.

Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe the months we had were merely seconds spent in fantasy. As time ticks by my grasp on its reality slips away. Soon it will be like distant thunder, its memory dissipating as the sound of a storm moving further and further away.

Lead Me

There's an emptiness deep within my soul.
I ache as I feel the empty void grow.
I could reach for countless things to heal the pain.
But nothing comes close to the glory of your name.

I thought I had what we all long for.
It was fleeting and burnt me to the core.
Then you revealed yourself to me,
healed my heart and set me free.

I didn't realize that I was complete.
I thought I needed her for my heart to be replete.
I was foolish and ignorant, selfish and blind.
How quickly I forgot your love for mankind.

I still love her Lord. We have such great rapport.
Can you please put us back together once more?
There's something between us that I can't define.
I'm led to believe it's part of your design.

God I want to serve you. I want to be all that you will.
I think that I am better with a godly woman still.
Lead me forward Lord, show me the proper way.
Tell me what do and I promise to obey.

Recovery Must Have a Beginning

I'm not emotionally healthy. No matter how much I work to try and convince myself otherwise, time and time again I'm reminded that something is not right.

Over the last decade I willingly gave bits and pieces of myself to others. In my attempt at loving others selflessly I gave away every piece of myself. When the person I loved above all else abandoned me I was left with nothing but myself. Yet I couldn't even lay claim to myself for there was nothing left. I didn't even know myself.

So what did I have? I had questions. Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? Would death be preferable to pain and emptiness?

Losing everything can be a blessing in disguise for it means you have nothing to lose. For me this meant a refreshing freedom to ask questions and look for answers that I feared my entire life. This freedom led me to Jesus Christ. I found him in the pages of the Bible. For 27 years I thought I knew who He was. I was wrong. He is not some fictional character or academic concept. He is not a coping mechanism for the weak-minded. He is the loving Creator of the Universe. He is the Gracious Forgiver. He is Lord of my life. And He is the foundation upon which I now build my life. When everything around me crashes down and disappears I will always have my personal relationship with Jesus; a relationship that can never be taken away from me.

It may take a lifetime to find all that I've lost. Today I begin a journey: a journey of self-discovery, a journey to fully realize the relationship with Jesus I was graciously given. Today I admit my emptiness and helplessness outside of Jesus. If recovery is a process and not an event then it must have a beginning. So with great optimism mixed with cautious pessimism I am proud to call Sunday, June 26, 2011 the beginning of my recovery.

I pray that my journey and my life will be glorifying to God.