Proverbs 18:22

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

I'm trying!

Fear and Anxiety

For a long time I lived in fear of disappointing or hurting my father. I silently complied with everything that was asked of me. On the rare occasion I would take a small step outside of what was expected of me I was immediately corrected and I fell back in line. My father was not an angry man. He never yelled yet knew when it was appropriate to raise his voice. My father was not physically abusive yet spanked us at appropriate times without going overboard. He had a firm grasp on his family and we all knew who was in charge. I saw my siblings try to grow a mind of their own only to get shutdown and feel the hurt associated with that. I learned that it was better to just accept life the way my father designed it. After all, this was supposedly the perfect example of the life God intended for us.

I grew up in a Christian family, attended church several times a week, and attended a Christian school. At five years old I prayed a prayer so that I could tell people I was a Christian. I never gave it a second thought until I reached sixth grade when we moved and I suddenly found myself attending public school on the other side of town. It took less than two weeks for me to realize I wasn't truly a Christian and I quickly embraced being a vulgar, crass, perverted, swearing 11 year-old. But I only acted this way at school. At home I continued to live my perfect-appearing life. I even spent a summer stealing chrome caps off of car wheels and shoplifted a few items at our local Ben Franklin five and dime store.

So I spent 16 years purposefully living a fake life. There were times I wanted to stop the facade and come clean but feared losing what I felt was a happy life full of friends and family. But most of all I feared my father would love me less and would devote himself to "getting me saved". I didn't want anyone to force their views on me. I wanted to figure it out myself. I had questions about God but I couldn't ask them because it would shatter the facade I had created. It was a vicious circle. I wasn't confident God or hell existed, but I sure as hell didn't want to be wrong about that. So I spent those 16 years scared of dying.

When my life came crumbling down around me in the midst of divorce my Christian facade was suddenly no longer needed. Having reached the utter depths of depression I was finally able to confront my mortality by talking to other people. At the time, the hardest thing I had ever done in my life was to confess to my father that I had been living a lie. I feared losing his love. I feared breaking his heart. I feared being bombarded by Bible-thumping for the rest of my life. I feared losing my job. I feared losing my friends. Everything was connected.

But I did it. And I lived to tell about it. And my fears were not realized. I found loving friends. I found compassionate strangers. I found a father who I felt loved me but just didn't know how to express it. And I found God. He is real. He is present. He loves me. I love him. He is my best friend. He pours His grace out on me. He is the foundation I build my life around. Where he leads I follow. Someday I will see Him face to face.

Do I have any fear and anxiety about my father today? I don't think I do. I'm very comfortable talking about my different points of view. I don't believe I can change him and I don't care to. I want him to know who his son is and accept me for who I am. If he can't do that I am totally okay with it. I now go to a different church, support Ron Paul for president, and am comfortable seeking employment elsewhere in the future. Most importantly though, I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, my Father in Heaven. That's something that nobody can take away from me.

My profession of faith in Jesus Christ

My life was a fraud for 27 years. Throughout my life I’ve never been the first person to start doing something I knew was wrong but I’ve certainly never had a problem with it either.

I am one of many people who attended my particular local church since their birth. I also attended a Christian school for six years. I knew the gospel early on in my life.

I thought I was saved when I prayed “the prayer” at five years of age. It wasn’t until I started attending public school in sixth grade that I immediately realized I wasn’t any different than the other kids and that I wasn’t saved. I lived the next two years of my life not having any concern for God.

During the summer of 1994 at a junior high school church camp I was confronted with my sin and the fact that I was destined for hell and again asked Jesus to forgive my sins. That only lasted two weeks when I realized it wasn’t real and that I had attempted to purchase “fire insurance”.

I continued to live my life for myself. I wasn’t a terrible kid but I knew I was a sinner. I knew I needed forgiveness to avoid hell. I knew I couldn’t be good enough for Jesus to save me. I just wasn’t willing to turn my life over to him.

Life continued. I got married. We had a son. I wasn’t prepared for either. I was selfish. Marriage and parenting don’t work well when you’re selfish. I was a bad husband and father. I wasn’t happy. About the only thing that made me happy was a mutual friendship with another couple, but that friendship was not focused on Christ; it was focused on us. It eventually fell apart. I was left with a marriage I had started warming to and a child I had not fully invested myself in.

Somewhere along the way my wife and I had passed each other in our relationship. By the time I realized I loved my wife my marriage was over. I felt like God had taken away the only thing I cared about and I was devastated.

In the summer of 2008, after years of intentionally refusing to contemplate any spiritual questions I found myself in desperate need of answers. One of my biggest questions was whether or not God was real. I just couldn’t understand how you can know he’s real if you can’t see him. So I read the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. And I talked to friends. And as I was reading I realized that all I ever needed to know about God was written right there in front of me in my Bible. I just needed to have faith that it was all true.

That’s when it all came together for me. I believed that the Bible was true. So that means that everything written in it is true. If it says everyone has sinned then that must be true. If it says the penalty for sin is going to hell that must be true. If you put two and two together it doesn’t look good for sinners. But it says that even though we are sinners Christ died us for; God loved us so much He sent His son to be crucified by the very people whose sins that act would forgive. It says the gift of God is eternal life in heaven. And importantly it says, “if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”

I confessed my sin to my Lord. I placed my faith and trust in Him. I’m confident he has forgiven me. The old sins of my past have fallen away. I strive to live each day for Him. I can now see the huge difference between knowing what the Bible says while living a selfish life and believing God’s Word, loving Him, and living for Him.

While I was searching for answers one of my church’s elders shared with me a verse that says whoever believes in Jesus will not be disappointed. I can verify the absolute truth to that verse.

Attributes I'm looking for in a woman

• Relationship with God is her number one priority
• Strives to become closer to God every day
• Sees God similar to me
• Unselfish heart
• Similar sense of humor
• Has a naughty/crass/vulgar edge to her
• Playful
• Likes to organize parties/gatherings
• Outgoing/Confident
• At the very least easily tolerates sports and video games
• Enjoys similar food as me
• Isn't in love with country music
• Not extremely stubborn
• Not frivolous with money
• Loves every part of me and doesn't seek to change me
• Doesn't have a bunch of guy friends
• Pretty face
• Not extremely obese
• Smart
• Doesn't look to me, or children, or anything else to complete her
• Sexually confident
• Completely over past relationships
• Enjoys spending time at home with me
• Loves my son
• Makes an effort to be attractive without being consumed by it
• Likes animals
• Sets good boundaries with her family
• Tidy
• Trustworthy
• My best friend
• Not easily offended
• Physical touch and words of affirmation (5 Love Languages)

I found a list I made of things I loved about my girlfriend (at the time) last year. I'm copying it here for comparison. This should be a good exercise because I found this list after I wrote the list above.

Incredibly beautiful yet down to Earth. Super fun yet not over the top. Stylish but not snobby. Able to one-up me on my joking "burns". Can take a joke. Full lips, cute freckles, perfectly proportionate face. Ass for days. Enjoys exercise, eats healthy yet deep down enjoys a greasy burger as much as I do. Makes food for me. Makes food I like. Loves Mexican food. Doesn't judge my pickiness. Seeks to grow her relationship with God. Constantly looks to improve herself. Doesn't look down on others for their lack of spiritual maturity. Sees things in me -- both good and bad -- that I'm blinded to. Loves cilantro and cumin. Hates mayonnaise and Country music. Has athletic ability. Will play catch with her boys. Will try new things. Strongly desires to break the cycle of family history. Not afraid to admit her short-comings. Unselfish. Doesn't abandon me in strange environments. Sets goals and works to obtain them. Not a boring person; something interesting is always going on. Loves me for who I am now, not who she hopes I may become. Not a pushover. Deep thinker. Good writer. Chooses words well. Good speller.

Love Addict Illustration

I ran across this today and thought it was appropriate.

For Better or Worse

I just came across this poem I wrote April 10, 2008, as my wife was preparing to leave for good and file for divorce. For anyone wondering, she did not stay. She ended up choosing herself over her child and her husband.


For Better or Worse

Alone in my house I sit and cry,
Wondering what happened, I wait, I die.

You promised to love me for better or worse,
Now you live your life like that is a curse.

You said you loved me, your actions defy
The logic you use proves it all a lie.

So walk away, go on walk away;
Prove that you’re weak, too weak to stay.

Find your green on the other side.
When you come back you’ll see I died.

Innocence came and took our youth.
But he gave us purpose and that’s the truth.

I haven’t been perfect but I grow every day,
My past mistakes I’ve tried to repay.

To go back in time and make it all better,
I’d give everything away and be your debtor.

I love you more now than ever before,
But don’t think for a second it’s ‘cause your foot’s out the door.

I’ve done nothing but try to love you better,
While all you’ve done is earn a scarlet letter.

You adulterous fuck, let me be blunt:
Your mind means more to me than a dick in your cunt.

Does any of this make you happy?
You’re to blame for making our lives crappy.

More than anything in this world I want your love,
The very same love I deprived you of.

I’m sorry for taking you for granted, being selfish and young;
For being immature and the insults I flung.

But that doesn’t make it right to do what you’re doing,
Karma’s a bitch and it’s what you’re accruing.

I won’t share you, I WILL NOT DO IT!
Make him go away so we can get back to it.

You know there’s no other choice if you’re going to stay.
Cut off all contact, it’s the only way.

Let’s start fixing things one step at a time.
I’ll start it all off with this simple rhyme.

Hurts & Disappointments

Dear God,

I'm disappointed that everything in my life isn't just fine like I always thought it was. In retrospect my life was like a thin layer of glass; once it started to crack the whole thing shattered. I realize this is all part of your plan, part of the "God-story", but I am really hurting. I suppose I should say thank you for keeping me from feeling deep pain as I got older. Unfortunately it seems like each day I learn a knew depth of pain and the prospects of this cycle ending anytime soon don't look very promising.

I'm disappointed my father never learned how to show emotion. I'm disappointed he strong-armed the rest of his family into believing that emotions are misleading and unnecessary and only lead to sin. I'm hurt that I've gone three decades barely knowing what receiving emotional love is like. It's as if an important tool created by God to be able to function in relationships was sitting right in front of me and my father repeatedly told me that tool was destructive. I don't believe he knew any better. He was just perpetuating the lies he was taught and never thought to question their validity.

Father, I'm hurt that I'm essentially alone in this world. If I listed every want or need that I could think of, they would all pale in comparison to wanting a God-loving wife to love and share my life with and grow in the knowledge and love of you. No matter how much I try to let you fill that void I can't get past this. You created us for relationship and we have that. But you also created human relationships to show us more of your attributes. It feels like a no-win situation to me. I want to know you more but my mind is clouded by lack of seeing your love reflected in others. I'm unable to properly love others because I haven't seen your love modeled appropriately. I trust that you will resolve this in time but I'm struggling with being patient. How long must I wait? What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Why can't I have a "normal" family like all the families I've seen modeled my whole life? Why must all the training and experiences I've had my whole life not help me one bit in my life? I feel completely unprepared to live the life you gave me. I feel like I'm wasting whatever unique talents you gave me. I feel like my life as it is now does you no good and does me no good. If I was in charge of everything I'd have G realizing how much I love her and how I'm the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with. Apparently you don't agree with that and I accept it. But if that's the case then what do you want from me? Please make your will known to me. Make the path obvious.

Giving My Resentment to God

Dear Dad,

There are many things I'd rather be doing right now than typing this letter to you. There are even chores I'd rather be doing right now. But instead I have to spend the rest of my night trying to come to grips with the thought that I am angry and resentful towards you.

When I was first tasked with writing this letter I thought it would be pretty easy to spend ten or fifteen minutes jotting down some things I've been bothered about for a long time and have discussed with others on many occasions. But for some reason I'm finding this as difficult as getting ketchup out of a new bottle. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to resent you.

Dad, in many ways I feel like you have made the act of serving God a god in itself. If I had to guess I'd say you don't truly understand love. Like me, the mental understanding of its definition has failed to connect with your heart. With all of your years spent extensively studying the Bible how have you failed to learn that we are supposed to love God first and foremost, followed by our spouse, followed by our kids, followed by fellow believers? When I asked you about this you said you believed it was God first and then believers. You made no distinction for family. And with that so many things started to make sense to me.

No wonder you can give vehicle after vehicle to a person you barely know and yet refuse to let your wife, your soul-mate, replace the couch she has had for decades. No wonder you can create a job for a supposedly godly person -- who likely has all sorts of doctrine and theology you agree with but can't apply those truths in their own life -- but you can't even pay your own children competitive salaries. It seems blatantly obvious that for the sake of not appearing nepotistic you intentionally treat your own family as less important and with less love than people you barely know. Does this at all resemble the imagery God provided us in the Bible?

I'm angry that I sit here at my computer feeling completely alone in the world. When my world collapsed and my wife left me and I lost partial custody of my son I should have been able to feel your love. But your love seems to involve being physically present, partially mentally present, and monetarily available. I know that you would give me anything in the world if I had need and you agreed with my need. But I absolutely do not believe you love me and trust me enough to give me something I ask for and you don't understand it or don't think I need it. There is a disconnect in our relationship.

Whether you realize it or not you have a death-grip on your family. There is a reason that not a single child in your family can make a decision. It's because we know that if we make a mistake and you don't approve then our wants and needs may not be met. As a result we're all so intensely careful making decisions that it paralyzes us. Our whole lives we've either avoided making decisions or you've failed to allow us to make decisions. You need to let us go. You need to allow us to fail. Because that will also allow us to succeed. Stop playing God in our lives.

I hate the fact that you by most definitions are a rich man, own your own business, your kids have all worked for you, you occasionally mention that you'll take care of us, and yet none of us has any idea what that actually means. I make $20,000 less than a person with my job in Lincoln, Nebraska would make at any other business. I am one of the most fiscally frugal people you will meet. At my current rate of saving I will be able to retire when I'm 96. So basically retirement is not in my future. Should I accept that? Should I live in the dark and just hope that you'll leave your children with an inheritance that allows them to not work every day of their lives until they die? Should I walk out on your business and get a “real” job where I might actually be compensated fairly for the job that I do. How have you not approached us with your plans for the future? You play God with our finances. Do you not love us and trust us enough to talk to us about the future?

I increasingly hate the way you run your company. You claim to hate parachurch organizations. Yet your own business is the definition of parachurch. You try to run it just like a church. I think I understand the theory behind this. But your logic is flawed. YOUR COMPANY IS NOT A CHURCH! So all of your personal beliefs about women working have no place in your business. Your company and its owner have no place making financial giving decisions for us. Yet we all sacrifice a portion of our potential salaries so that your company can donate to its preferred local church. This encroaches on all of your employees' personal responsibility to God. God doesn't want you deciding that your employees wives shouldn't be working and thus shouldn't work for your company. God doesn't want you to make financial donations for your employees. God wants your employees to have their own convictions. If they as a family decide their wife shouldn't work then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give 5, 10, or 20 percent of their salary to God then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give to their local church instead of your local church then that's their choice, not yours. Stop playing God in your employees' lives.

Would it have killed you to tell me you love me and give me hugs when I was growing up? Would it have killed you to enjoy life once in awhile? Can you crack a smile for the camera occasionally? Or does your perception of God have you feeling so absolutely terrible about yourself that you must continually beat yourself up over how shitty every human being is and deserving of eternal damnation in hell. Does God's forgiveness and grace even register with you? Sin, sin, sin, sin. You can't say it enough. You won't even listen to someone teach if they fail to mention sin. In your opinion the Gospel must be preached 110% of the time. Weddings. Funerals. Ballgames. Pool parties. Family reunions. Restaurants. Interviews. But your good intentions fail to bring light to one of God's most amazing attributes. His love! Sure, dumping sin and damnation, repentance and the cross on a stranger in four minutes might be used by God to bring about their salvation. But have you shown them the limitless love of Jesus? Or have you just shown them the wrath of God and a glimmer of forgiveness?

I get it Dad. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I hate God and deserve to suffer in hell forever. But for whatever reason God sort of reluctantly decided that he'd show me a bit of mercy and save me from that destiny. So now that I'm redeemed I'm still a piece of shit and am destined to keep being a piece of shit until I die or until God decides to put a final end to this earth that's filled with pieces of shit just like me. Thanks for loving me in the image of your perception of God's love...

Wants & Needs

This week I need to figure out what my wants and needs are. I'm not sure what the best method is for discovering and recording them so I'm just going to let it flow and see where I end up.

I want to know God more intimately. I want to see Him more clearly. I don't want my imperfections to get in the way. I want to love Him more and understand His love more. I want to be complete in Him and not look to others to complete me.

I want to be loved for who I am.

I want to be known at the deepest level. I want to know myself the same way.

I want to love without restraint. I want someone to love me the same way, not because they're returning my love, but simply because they love me.

I want to matter to someone. I'm not looking to kill myself but I'm not sure I'd be missed by anyone other than my son if I died.

I want love now.

I want to share my life, my time, with someone.

I want a companion.

I want affection.

I don't want to simply exist.

I want my potential to be unlocked and used for God's glory.

I want to be physically intimate with my future godly wife.

I want a home and not just a house.

I want to be a loving father. I want to be more than just physically present. I want to train my son and help him grow into a complete and hopefully godly man.

I want to know what happiness is like or perhaps remember what it was like.

I want to be overflowing with joy and have it be infectious to others that know me.

I want to be passionate about something.

I want to get out of my head and stop thinking so much.

I want to be full of energy.

Unencumbered

It's that lonely time of night again. My lonely heart aches for a taste of G. Something to keep me going. I don't know how many times I can fight the urge to open a conversation with her. Each night when I'm alone and there are no more convenient distractions I become a little bit weaker. I'm unable to let go because I'm unwilling to let go. I sometimes find myself staring at my phone, willing it to light up with a message from G. I was thrilled to have that happen on Christmas afternoon after successfully fighting the urge to say Merry Christmas all morning. I wish I knew where G's heart was at but I don't think I can ask that at this point. It seems like it should be months until that conversation but my lack of patience makes the last 10 days feel like 10 months. I hate unfinished business but that's what G and I have. I don't know if there is any other way to go about this without giving up on her forever and I'm not willing to do that. The desire of my heart is to be with G. I don't think God has shown me he has other plans for me at this point so I will continue trying my best to be patient and keep hoping that He will bring us back together again. I await the day that G realizes that I am the guy that has loved her, continues to love her, and wants to always love her. I await her unencumbered heart.

My loneliness is valid

I'm feeling especially lonely tonight. Probably has to do with the amount of time I've not seen G. I don't think I'm feeling lonely for no good reason. I think I am lonely because anybody in my position would be lonely. I have valid reasons to feel lonely.

The lonely goes away when I'm with G and we share our thoughts and feelings. I tell her everything from my heart and get to hear her respond. When I tell everything to God there is no voice that responds. I don't know what to do with that. I'm lonely. There is a hole in my heart. I want Jesus to fill it. But I can't seem to make that next step where I feel whole. What is it going to take for everything to finally click?

Even now, when I have no specific reason for it, I have a feeling of despair. Why can't I feel Jesus' arms wrapped around me. Why doesn't everything feel all better?

I admit it.

I'm a love addict. I read about it for the first time today (starting at myrecovery.wordpress.com) and it fits me like a glove.

I, "David Joseph", am a love addict.

I just wanted to say those words out loud. I'm sure I'll write more about this in the future.

You fucking lied?

Well, you did it. You finally managed to make me angry. All it took was one good lie. I understand why you thought that was an option. But you had another option. A better one. You chose to lie instead. All I ever asked of you was honesty. From the moment I met you I was understanding and supportive of you. Why did you risk compromising my trust? It wasn't necessary. And you did it for something insignificant. Did my uncompromised trust not factor in your decision? Did you deliberately choose yourself over me? Did I not matter at all?

Why G? Now I'm left with the unavoidable question of whether this is a lifestyle for you or a one time mistake. I get to question whether I truly know you at all. Hell, you told me you can look your parents straight in the face and lie. Why should I be any different? Maybe I was just an object filling a void in your life and you knowingly used me. Who is this pretty girl I thought I knew so well? Who is this girl I fell in love with? Does she really exist or is she just an imagination? In my experience this was out of character for you. But now I fear my experience isn't reality. Maybe now I don't have to let you go; maybe now I want to.

You meet my "I love you" with "I love you too". Do you honestly mean that? Think about it. I mean it every time I say it. And I have repeatedly shown you the truth of that statement.

Maybe you do love me and just made one mistake. I'll probably never know because I can't talk to you. I have no choice but to let you suffer alone from the pain and injustice caused you by J. I hate that. If you truly love me and I love you then neither of us should have to suffer alone. But these are the cards we've been dealt. So I'll talk to Jesus. And you talk to Jesus. And maybe He'll somehow make everything okay in the end.

Pain is my reward

Why? Why do I have to suffer loss? Again. Why must I lose the thing I care most about? Again. Why is it that when I seek God more than ever I find myself more alone than ever?

Life is pain. I'm not sure it's ever been better. I don't have much hope it will ever get any better. It doesn't matter whether I serve myself and try to make myself happy or whether I give my life to Jesus and beg Him to give me a little bit of happiness. The result is the same. Pain. Loneliness. Jealousy. Bitterness. Anger.

I just don't understand. I have so very little. Yet I'm asked to let it all go. Again. And for what? So I can learn to be content? Maybe all of those lessons Dad taught me on contentment were actually reflecting God after all. Barf.

I've been content. I've never wanted much. And never asked for anything. Seriously, how much lower could I set my aspirations than to want a life with a wife and kids? Who's goals don't start there? Mine end there. And guess what? God has told me no. Why?

How much more can be taken from me before I break for good? I want to be complete in Christ. I want to see Jesus clearly. I want God to heal my pain. And while I beg for that pain to stop I find Him piling on more pain. Why does He think I can handle it? I don't want to. It's not worth it. My experiences all show that there is nothing to hope for in this world. I want out. I want that elusive intimate relationship with God but it seems obvious it can't happen on Earth.

I fell asleep in tears and awoke in anger. Oh that I could return to days of blissful ignorance where pain didn't exist. The handle has fallen off of my pain faucet and I fear it cannot be shut off. And not only that, but now it's raining pain. I'm soaking wet. My umbrella just broke. A car just drove through a puddle and splashed me. Inside the car was J and G, happy and dry.

Fair this is not. Unrelenting it is. The only relief in sight is eternity with Jesus. And that feels like an eternity away. I'm ready now Lord. There is nothing here for me but pain. I've always been the good guy and my reward is pain. Please stop piling on rewards.

Life

My life has been progressively painful.

Life was recess: fun. The only thing missing was Nintendo. Then we moved and I started public school. Life was complex. I found girls attractive and got a girlfriend. Life was complete. Until my parents found out about my girlfriend and put an end to that. Again my life had a hole in it. Thought I found God. Turns out I was just afraid of hell. Took several years to fill the hole in my life but I found a girl unlike anyone I had experienced to that point. Life was love. College didn't matter. Life was sex. But that was short-lived and taken from me. I had to get married to get it back. So I did. But it wasn't what I was promised. Life was a lie. My wife didn't like my parents. So I put them out of my life. Life was just 2 people. Pregnancy. Life was too fast. Baby. Life was tiring. Months of crying and no sleep. Life was nothing like it was supposed to be. Life was a trap. But it could be worse. Maybe a house will make things better. Nope. Maybe mutual friends. Yes, that worked! For a year. Then I had that happiness taken from me. Life was a tease. Maybe a bigger house. Nope. Maybe a hot tub. Nope. My gut says maybe something fishy is going on. Yep. Internet boyfriend. Life was a cheat. Maybe if I was more fun. Maybe if I drank more. Maybe if I forced myself to dance. Still not working. Gut recognises something is wrong. Trust your gut. Life was intentionally unbareably cruel. Probably should just die and make the pain stop. Couldn't do it. Must set selfishness aside and give my life to God. Life was God. Divorce. Life was God and loneliness. Christian friends. Life was God and love and loneliness. A new girl. Life was God and hope. New girl is amazing. Life was amazing and pretty and hope. Made the mistake I prayed so hard I wouldn't make again. Life was amazing and sex and love and guilt. Repentence. Life was love and God. Mistake. Life was love. Repentence. But an undesired openended break from dating. Life was impossible to understand pain and God. A new church. Life was God and love and grace. God was so much more than I ever knew. Life was God and love and grace and loneliness. A tragic weekend. Life was God and unfair and unrelenting. But hope emerges. Life was God and love again. Then the mistakes return. Life was God and mistakes and guilt and repentence. And then another break. Life was God and pain and more pain. Counseling. Codependency book. Life is God and pain and more pain and even more pain and loneliness.

Thunder Was Here

I'm awakened by my dog barking quietly at distant thunder; wrestled from the peace of dreams back to a reality I despise. My bed is empty save the dog I shared with my first love, the wife of my youth. The life we shared is as distant as the inaudible thunder of a storm passed by. The only evidence it existed is the wreckage left behind.

Here come the tears again. They don't belong to her. They belong to another. I try and pretend they aren't there, that everything is getting better. I try and have a facade that everything is okay. Truth is I'm lonely. Extremely lonely. My friends seem close but they're really far away. I don't have an intimate bond with them. I don't think I ever will. I would lay my life down for them. They might do the same for me. But they will never truly know me. They can't. They already share that bond with their spouses.

Lonely. Tired. Awake. Sad. Headache has crept in to join my heartache. Time moves slow for me. There will not be a second escape to dreamland tonight.

I ache for that which I had but a taste of. Months that felt like seconds. Someone who could know the real me. A second chance at love. Not convenience. Not lust. Not selfishness. But real true love. The kind that only God creates. Intimacy in the likeness of my relationship with Him. I want her to know me like He does. I want her to need me like I need Him. I want her to lay it all on the line, to take a chance on me.

So I wait. And I cry. I lose sleep. Concentration and focus escape me. My only defenses against this heartache are prayer and writing. Tonight I needed them both and still I cry. I am unable and unwilling to give up on her. She is too special. She just might be worth every tear-filled sleepless night. Though I may never find out I will wait for her as long as I am able. I fear my strength is nearly gone.

Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe the months we had were merely seconds spent in fantasy. As time ticks by my grasp on its reality slips away. Soon it will be like distant thunder, its memory dissipating as the sound of a storm moving further and further away.

Lead Me

There's an emptiness deep within my soul.
I ache as I feel the empty void grow.
I could reach for countless things to heal the pain.
But nothing comes close to the glory of your name.

I thought I had what we all long for.
It was fleeting and burnt me to the core.
Then you revealed yourself to me,
healed my heart and set me free.

I didn't realize that I was complete.
I thought I needed her for my heart to be replete.
I was foolish and ignorant, selfish and blind.
How quickly I forgot your love for mankind.

I still love her Lord. We have such great rapport.
Can you please put us back together once more?
There's something between us that I can't define.
I'm led to believe it's part of your design.

God I want to serve you. I want to be all that you will.
I think that I am better with a godly woman still.
Lead me forward Lord, show me the proper way.
Tell me what do and I promise to obey.

Recovery Must Have a Beginning

I'm not emotionally healthy. No matter how much I work to try and convince myself otherwise, time and time again I'm reminded that something is not right.

Over the last decade I willingly gave bits and pieces of myself to others. In my attempt at loving others selflessly I gave away every piece of myself. When the person I loved above all else abandoned me I was left with nothing but myself. Yet I couldn't even lay claim to myself for there was nothing left. I didn't even know myself.

So what did I have? I had questions. Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? Would death be preferable to pain and emptiness?

Losing everything can be a blessing in disguise for it means you have nothing to lose. For me this meant a refreshing freedom to ask questions and look for answers that I feared my entire life. This freedom led me to Jesus Christ. I found him in the pages of the Bible. For 27 years I thought I knew who He was. I was wrong. He is not some fictional character or academic concept. He is not a coping mechanism for the weak-minded. He is the loving Creator of the Universe. He is the Gracious Forgiver. He is Lord of my life. And He is the foundation upon which I now build my life. When everything around me crashes down and disappears I will always have my personal relationship with Jesus; a relationship that can never be taken away from me.

It may take a lifetime to find all that I've lost. Today I begin a journey: a journey of self-discovery, a journey to fully realize the relationship with Jesus I was graciously given. Today I admit my emptiness and helplessness outside of Jesus. If recovery is a process and not an event then it must have a beginning. So with great optimism mixed with cautious pessimism I am proud to call Sunday, June 26, 2011 the beginning of my recovery.

I pray that my journey and my life will be glorifying to God.