I'm not emotionally healthy. No matter how much I work to try and convince myself otherwise, time and time again I'm reminded that something is not right.
Over the last decade I willingly gave bits and pieces of myself to others. In my attempt at loving others selflessly I gave away every piece of myself. When the person I loved above all else abandoned me I was left with nothing but myself. Yet I couldn't even lay claim to myself for there was nothing left. I didn't even know myself.
So what did I have? I had questions. Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? Would death be preferable to pain and emptiness?
Losing everything can be a blessing in disguise for it means you have nothing to lose. For me this meant a refreshing freedom to ask questions and look for answers that I feared my entire life. This freedom led me to Jesus Christ. I found him in the pages of the Bible. For 27 years I thought I knew who He was. I was wrong. He is not some fictional character or academic concept. He is not a coping mechanism for the weak-minded. He is the loving Creator of the Universe. He is the Gracious Forgiver. He is Lord of my life. And He is the foundation upon which I now build my life. When everything around me crashes down and disappears I will always have my personal relationship with Jesus; a relationship that can never be taken away from me.
It may take a lifetime to find all that I've lost. Today I begin a journey: a journey of self-discovery, a journey to fully realize the relationship with Jesus I was graciously given. Today I admit my emptiness and helplessness outside of Jesus. If recovery is a process and not an event then it must have a beginning. So with great optimism mixed with cautious pessimism I am proud to call Sunday, June 26, 2011 the beginning of my recovery.
I pray that my journey and my life will be glorifying to God.
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