He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
I'm trying!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Fear and Anxiety
For a long time I lived in fear of disappointing or hurting my father. I silently complied with everything that was asked of me. On the rare occasion I would take a small step outside of what was expected of me I was immediately corrected and I fell back in line. My father was not an angry man. He never yelled yet knew when it was appropriate to raise his voice. My father was not physically abusive yet spanked us at appropriate times without going overboard. He had a firm grasp on his family and we all knew who was in charge. I saw my siblings try to grow a mind of their own only to get shutdown and feel the hurt associated with that. I learned that it was better to just accept life the way my father designed it. After all, this was supposedly the perfect example of the life God intended for us.
I grew up in a Christian family, attended church several times a week, and attended a Christian school. At five years old I prayed a prayer so that I could tell people I was a Christian. I never gave it a second thought until I reached sixth grade when we moved and I suddenly found myself attending public school on the other side of town. It took less than two weeks for me to realize I wasn't truly a Christian and I quickly embraced being a vulgar, crass, perverted, swearing 11 year-old. But I only acted this way at school. At home I continued to live my perfect-appearing life. I even spent a summer stealing chrome caps off of car wheels and shoplifted a few items at our local Ben Franklin five and dime store.
So I spent 16 years purposefully living a fake life. There were times I wanted to stop the facade and come clean but feared losing what I felt was a happy life full of friends and family. But most of all I feared my father would love me less and would devote himself to "getting me saved". I didn't want anyone to force their views on me. I wanted to figure it out myself. I had questions about God but I couldn't ask them because it would shatter the facade I had created. It was a vicious circle. I wasn't confident God or hell existed, but I sure as hell didn't want to be wrong about that. So I spent those 16 years scared of dying.
When my life came crumbling down around me in the midst of divorce my Christian facade was suddenly no longer needed. Having reached the utter depths of depression I was finally able to confront my mortality by talking to other people. At the time, the hardest thing I had ever done in my life was to confess to my father that I had been living a lie. I feared losing his love. I feared breaking his heart. I feared being bombarded by Bible-thumping for the rest of my life. I feared losing my job. I feared losing my friends. Everything was connected.
But I did it. And I lived to tell about it. And my fears were not realized. I found loving friends. I found compassionate strangers. I found a father who I felt loved me but just didn't know how to express it. And I found God. He is real. He is present. He loves me. I love him. He is my best friend. He pours His grace out on me. He is the foundation I build my life around. Where he leads I follow. Someday I will see Him face to face.
Do I have any fear and anxiety about my father today? I don't think I do. I'm very comfortable talking about my different points of view. I don't believe I can change him and I don't care to. I want him to know who his son is and accept me for who I am. If he can't do that I am totally okay with it. I now go to a different church, support Ron Paul for president, and am comfortable seeking employment elsewhere in the future. Most importantly though, I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, my Father in Heaven. That's something that nobody can take away from me.
I grew up in a Christian family, attended church several times a week, and attended a Christian school. At five years old I prayed a prayer so that I could tell people I was a Christian. I never gave it a second thought until I reached sixth grade when we moved and I suddenly found myself attending public school on the other side of town. It took less than two weeks for me to realize I wasn't truly a Christian and I quickly embraced being a vulgar, crass, perverted, swearing 11 year-old. But I only acted this way at school. At home I continued to live my perfect-appearing life. I even spent a summer stealing chrome caps off of car wheels and shoplifted a few items at our local Ben Franklin five and dime store.
So I spent 16 years purposefully living a fake life. There were times I wanted to stop the facade and come clean but feared losing what I felt was a happy life full of friends and family. But most of all I feared my father would love me less and would devote himself to "getting me saved". I didn't want anyone to force their views on me. I wanted to figure it out myself. I had questions about God but I couldn't ask them because it would shatter the facade I had created. It was a vicious circle. I wasn't confident God or hell existed, but I sure as hell didn't want to be wrong about that. So I spent those 16 years scared of dying.
When my life came crumbling down around me in the midst of divorce my Christian facade was suddenly no longer needed. Having reached the utter depths of depression I was finally able to confront my mortality by talking to other people. At the time, the hardest thing I had ever done in my life was to confess to my father that I had been living a lie. I feared losing his love. I feared breaking his heart. I feared being bombarded by Bible-thumping for the rest of my life. I feared losing my job. I feared losing my friends. Everything was connected.
But I did it. And I lived to tell about it. And my fears were not realized. I found loving friends. I found compassionate strangers. I found a father who I felt loved me but just didn't know how to express it. And I found God. He is real. He is present. He loves me. I love him. He is my best friend. He pours His grace out on me. He is the foundation I build my life around. Where he leads I follow. Someday I will see Him face to face.
Do I have any fear and anxiety about my father today? I don't think I do. I'm very comfortable talking about my different points of view. I don't believe I can change him and I don't care to. I want him to know who his son is and accept me for who I am. If he can't do that I am totally okay with it. I now go to a different church, support Ron Paul for president, and am comfortable seeking employment elsewhere in the future. Most importantly though, I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, my Father in Heaven. That's something that nobody can take away from me.
My profession of faith in Jesus Christ
My life was a fraud for 27 years. Throughout my life I’ve never been the first person to start doing something I knew was wrong but I’ve certainly never had a problem with it either.
I am one of many people who attended my particular local church since their birth. I also attended a Christian school for six years. I knew the gospel early on in my life.
I thought I was saved when I prayed “the prayer” at five years of age. It wasn’t until I started attending public school in sixth grade that I immediately realized I wasn’t any different than the other kids and that I wasn’t saved. I lived the next two years of my life not having any concern for God.
During the summer of 1994 at a junior high school church camp I was confronted with my sin and the fact that I was destined for hell and again asked Jesus to forgive my sins. That only lasted two weeks when I realized it wasn’t real and that I had attempted to purchase “fire insurance”.
I continued to live my life for myself. I wasn’t a terrible kid but I knew I was a sinner. I knew I needed forgiveness to avoid hell. I knew I couldn’t be good enough for Jesus to save me. I just wasn’t willing to turn my life over to him.
Life continued. I got married. We had a son. I wasn’t prepared for either. I was selfish. Marriage and parenting don’t work well when you’re selfish. I was a bad husband and father. I wasn’t happy. About the only thing that made me happy was a mutual friendship with another couple, but that friendship was not focused on Christ; it was focused on us. It eventually fell apart. I was left with a marriage I had started warming to and a child I had not fully invested myself in.
Somewhere along the way my wife and I had passed each other in our relationship. By the time I realized I loved my wife my marriage was over. I felt like God had taken away the only thing I cared about and I was devastated.
In the summer of 2008, after years of intentionally refusing to contemplate any spiritual questions I found myself in desperate need of answers. One of my biggest questions was whether or not God was real. I just couldn’t understand how you can know he’s real if you can’t see him. So I read the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. And I talked to friends. And as I was reading I realized that all I ever needed to know about God was written right there in front of me in my Bible. I just needed to have faith that it was all true.
That’s when it all came together for me. I believed that the Bible was true. So that means that everything written in it is true. If it says everyone has sinned then that must be true. If it says the penalty for sin is going to hell that must be true. If you put two and two together it doesn’t look good for sinners. But it says that even though we are sinners Christ died us for; God loved us so much He sent His son to be crucified by the very people whose sins that act would forgive. It says the gift of God is eternal life in heaven. And importantly it says, “if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
I confessed my sin to my Lord. I placed my faith and trust in Him. I’m confident he has forgiven me. The old sins of my past have fallen away. I strive to live each day for Him. I can now see the huge difference between knowing what the Bible says while living a selfish life and believing God’s Word, loving Him, and living for Him.
While I was searching for answers one of my church’s elders shared with me a verse that says whoever believes in Jesus will not be disappointed. I can verify the absolute truth to that verse.
I am one of many people who attended my particular local church since their birth. I also attended a Christian school for six years. I knew the gospel early on in my life.
I thought I was saved when I prayed “the prayer” at five years of age. It wasn’t until I started attending public school in sixth grade that I immediately realized I wasn’t any different than the other kids and that I wasn’t saved. I lived the next two years of my life not having any concern for God.
During the summer of 1994 at a junior high school church camp I was confronted with my sin and the fact that I was destined for hell and again asked Jesus to forgive my sins. That only lasted two weeks when I realized it wasn’t real and that I had attempted to purchase “fire insurance”.
I continued to live my life for myself. I wasn’t a terrible kid but I knew I was a sinner. I knew I needed forgiveness to avoid hell. I knew I couldn’t be good enough for Jesus to save me. I just wasn’t willing to turn my life over to him.
Life continued. I got married. We had a son. I wasn’t prepared for either. I was selfish. Marriage and parenting don’t work well when you’re selfish. I was a bad husband and father. I wasn’t happy. About the only thing that made me happy was a mutual friendship with another couple, but that friendship was not focused on Christ; it was focused on us. It eventually fell apart. I was left with a marriage I had started warming to and a child I had not fully invested myself in.
Somewhere along the way my wife and I had passed each other in our relationship. By the time I realized I loved my wife my marriage was over. I felt like God had taken away the only thing I cared about and I was devastated.
In the summer of 2008, after years of intentionally refusing to contemplate any spiritual questions I found myself in desperate need of answers. One of my biggest questions was whether or not God was real. I just couldn’t understand how you can know he’s real if you can’t see him. So I read the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. And I talked to friends. And as I was reading I realized that all I ever needed to know about God was written right there in front of me in my Bible. I just needed to have faith that it was all true.
That’s when it all came together for me. I believed that the Bible was true. So that means that everything written in it is true. If it says everyone has sinned then that must be true. If it says the penalty for sin is going to hell that must be true. If you put two and two together it doesn’t look good for sinners. But it says that even though we are sinners Christ died us for; God loved us so much He sent His son to be crucified by the very people whose sins that act would forgive. It says the gift of God is eternal life in heaven. And importantly it says, “if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
I confessed my sin to my Lord. I placed my faith and trust in Him. I’m confident he has forgiven me. The old sins of my past have fallen away. I strive to live each day for Him. I can now see the huge difference between knowing what the Bible says while living a selfish life and believing God’s Word, loving Him, and living for Him.
While I was searching for answers one of my church’s elders shared with me a verse that says whoever believes in Jesus will not be disappointed. I can verify the absolute truth to that verse.
Attributes I'm looking for in a woman
- Relationship with God is her number one priority
- Strives to become closer to God every day
- Sees God similar to me
- Unselfish heart
- Similar sense of humor
- Has a naughty/crass/vulgar edge to her
- Playful
- Likes to organize parties/gatherings
- Outgoing/Confident
- At the very least easily tolerates sports and video games
- Enjoys similar food as me
- Isn't in love with country music
- Not extremely stubborn
- Not frivolous with money
- Loves every part of me and doesn't seek to change me
- Doesn't have a bunch of guy friends
- Pretty face
- Not extremely obese
- Smart
- Doesn't look to me, or children, or anything else to complete her
- Sexually confident
- Completely over past relationships
- Enjoys spending time at home with me
- Loves my son
- Makes an effort to be attractive without being consumed by it
- Likes animals
- Sets good boundaries with her family
- Tidy
- Trustworthy
- My best friend
- Not easily offended
- Physical touch and words of affirmation (5 Love Languages)
I found a list I made of things I loved about my girlfriend (at the time) last year. I'm copying it here for comparison. This should be a good exercise because I found this list after I wrote the list above.
Incredibly beautiful yet down to Earth. Super fun yet not over the top. Stylish but not snobby. Able to one-up me on my joking "burns". Can take a joke. Full lips, cute freckles, perfectly proportionate face. Ass for days. Enjoys exercise, eats healthy yet deep down enjoys a greasy burger as much as I do. Makes food for me. Makes food I like. Loves Mexican food. Doesn't judge my pickiness. Seeks to grow her relationship with God. Constantly looks to improve herself. Doesn't look down on others for their lack of spiritual maturity. Sees things in me -- both good and bad -- that I'm blinded to. Loves cilantro and cumin. Hates mayonnaise and Country music. Has athletic ability. Will play catch with her boys. Will try new things. Strongly desires to break the cycle of family history. Not afraid to admit her short-comings. Unselfish. Doesn't abandon me in strange environments. Sets goals and works to obtain them. Not a boring person; something interesting is always going on. Loves me for who I am now, not who she hopes I may become. Not a pushover. Deep thinker. Good writer. Chooses words well. Good speller.
For Better or Worse
I just came across this poem I wrote April 10, 2008, as my wife was preparing to leave for good and file for divorce. For anyone wondering, she did not stay. She ended up choosing herself over her child and her husband.
For Better or Worse
Alone in my house I sit and cry,
Wondering what happened, I wait, I die.
You promised to love me for better or worse,
Now you live your life like that is a curse.
You said you loved me, your actions defy
The logic you use proves it all a lie.
So walk away, go on walk away;
Prove that you’re weak, too weak to stay.
Find your green on the other side.
When you come back you’ll see I died.
Innocence came and took our youth.
But he gave us purpose and that’s the truth.
I haven’t been perfect but I grow every day,
My past mistakes I’ve tried to repay.
To go back in time and make it all better,
I’d give everything away and be your debtor.
I love you more now than ever before,
But don’t think for a second it’s ‘cause your foot’s out the door.
I’ve done nothing but try to love you better,
While all you’ve done is earn a scarlet letter.
You adulterous fuck, let me be blunt:
Your mind means more to me than a dick in your cunt.
Does any of this make you happy?
You’re to blame for making our lives crappy.
More than anything in this world I want your love,
The very same love I deprived you of.
I’m sorry for taking you for granted, being selfish and young;
For being immature and the insults I flung.
But that doesn’t make it right to do what you’re doing,
Karma’s a bitch and it’s what you’re accruing.
I won’t share you, I WILL NOT DO IT!
Make him go away so we can get back to it.
You know there’s no other choice if you’re going to stay.
Cut off all contact, it’s the only way.
Let’s start fixing things one step at a time.
I’ll start it all off with this simple rhyme.
For Better or Worse
Alone in my house I sit and cry,
Wondering what happened, I wait, I die.
You promised to love me for better or worse,
Now you live your life like that is a curse.
You said you loved me, your actions defy
The logic you use proves it all a lie.
So walk away, go on walk away;
Prove that you’re weak, too weak to stay.
Find your green on the other side.
When you come back you’ll see I died.
Innocence came and took our youth.
But he gave us purpose and that’s the truth.
I haven’t been perfect but I grow every day,
My past mistakes I’ve tried to repay.
To go back in time and make it all better,
I’d give everything away and be your debtor.
I love you more now than ever before,
But don’t think for a second it’s ‘cause your foot’s out the door.
I’ve done nothing but try to love you better,
While all you’ve done is earn a scarlet letter.
You adulterous fuck, let me be blunt:
Your mind means more to me than a dick in your cunt.
Does any of this make you happy?
You’re to blame for making our lives crappy.
More than anything in this world I want your love,
The very same love I deprived you of.
I’m sorry for taking you for granted, being selfish and young;
For being immature and the insults I flung.
But that doesn’t make it right to do what you’re doing,
Karma’s a bitch and it’s what you’re accruing.
I won’t share you, I WILL NOT DO IT!
Make him go away so we can get back to it.
You know there’s no other choice if you’re going to stay.
Cut off all contact, it’s the only way.
Let’s start fixing things one step at a time.
I’ll start it all off with this simple rhyme.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Hurts & Disappointments
Dear God,
I'm disappointed that everything in my life isn't just fine like I always thought it was. In retrospect my life was like a thin layer of glass; once it started to crack the whole thing shattered. I realize this is all part of your plan, part of the "God-story", but I am really hurting. I suppose I should say thank you for keeping me from feeling deep pain as I got older. Unfortunately it seems like each day I learn a knew depth of pain and the prospects of this cycle ending anytime soon don't look very promising.
I'm disappointed my father never learned how to show emotion. I'm disappointed he strong-armed the rest of his family into believing that emotions are misleading and unnecessary and only lead to sin. I'm hurt that I've gone three decades barely knowing what receiving emotional love is like. It's as if an important tool created by God to be able to function in relationships was sitting right in front of me and my father repeatedly told me that tool was destructive. I don't believe he knew any better. He was just perpetuating the lies he was taught and never thought to question their validity.
Father, I'm hurt that I'm essentially alone in this world. If I listed every want or need that I could think of, they would all pale in comparison to wanting a God-loving wife to love and share my life with and grow in the knowledge and love of you. No matter how much I try to let you fill that void I can't get past this. You created us for relationship and we have that. But you also created human relationships to show us more of your attributes. It feels like a no-win situation to me. I want to know you more but my mind is clouded by lack of seeing your love reflected in others. I'm unable to properly love others because I haven't seen your love modeled appropriately. I trust that you will resolve this in time but I'm struggling with being patient. How long must I wait? What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Why can't I have a "normal" family like all the families I've seen modeled my whole life? Why must all the training and experiences I've had my whole life not help me one bit in my life? I feel completely unprepared to live the life you gave me. I feel like I'm wasting whatever unique talents you gave me. I feel like my life as it is now does you no good and does me no good. If I was in charge of everything I'd have G realizing how much I love her and how I'm the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with. Apparently you don't agree with that and I accept it. But if that's the case then what do you want from me? Please make your will known to me. Make the path obvious.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Giving My Resentment to God
Dear Dad,
There are many things I'd rather be doing right now than typing this letter to you. There are even chores I'd rather be doing right now. But instead I have to spend the rest of my night trying to come to grips with the thought that I am angry and resentful towards you.
When I was first tasked with writing this letter I thought it would be pretty easy to spend ten or fifteen minutes jotting down some things I've been bothered about for a long time and have discussed with others on many occasions. But for some reason I'm finding this as difficult as getting ketchup out of a new bottle. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to resent you.
Dad, in many ways I feel like you have made the act of serving God a god in itself. If I had to guess I'd say you don't truly understand love. Like me, the mental understanding of its definition has failed to connect with your heart. With all of your years spent extensively studying the Bible how have you failed to learn that we are supposed to love God first and foremost, followed by our spouse, followed by our kids, followed by fellow believers? When I asked you about this you said you believed it was God first and then believers. You made no distinction for family. And with that so many things started to make sense to me.
No wonder you can give vehicle after vehicle to a person you barely know and yet refuse to let your wife, your soul-mate, replace the couch she has had for decades. No wonder you can create a job for a supposedly godly person -- who likely has all sorts of doctrine and theology you agree with but can't apply those truths in their own life -- but you can't even pay your own children competitive salaries. It seems blatantly obvious that for the sake of not appearing nepotistic you intentionally treat your own family as less important and with less love than people you barely know. Does this at all resemble the imagery God provided us in the Bible?
I'm angry that I sit here at my computer feeling completely alone in the world. When my world collapsed and my wife left me and I lost partial custody of my son I should have been able to feel your love. But your love seems to involve being physically present, partially mentally present, and monetarily available. I know that you would give me anything in the world if I had need and you agreed with my need. But I absolutely do not believe you love me and trust me enough to give me something I ask for and you don't understand it or don't think I need it. There is a disconnect in our relationship.
Whether you realize it or not you have a death-grip on your family. There is a reason that not a single child in your family can make a decision. It's because we know that if we make a mistake and you don't approve then our wants and needs may not be met. As a result we're all so intensely careful making decisions that it paralyzes us. Our whole lives we've either avoided making decisions or you've failed to allow us to make decisions. You need to let us go. You need to allow us to fail. Because that will also allow us to succeed. Stop playing God in our lives.
I hate the fact that you by most definitions are a rich man, own your own business, your kids have all worked for you, you occasionally mention that you'll take care of us, and yet none of us has any idea what that actually means. I make $20,000 less than a person with my job in Lincoln, Nebraska would make at any other business. I am one of the most fiscally frugal people you will meet. At my current rate of saving I will be able to retire when I'm 96. So basically retirement is not in my future. Should I accept that? Should I live in the dark and just hope that you'll leave your children with an inheritance that allows them to not work every day of their lives until they die? Should I walk out on your business and get a “real” job where I might actually be compensated fairly for the job that I do. How have you not approached us with your plans for the future? You play God with our finances. Do you not love us and trust us enough to talk to us about the future?
I increasingly hate the way you run your company. You claim to hate parachurch organizations. Yet your own business is the definition of parachurch. You try to run it just like a church. I think I understand the theory behind this. But your logic is flawed. YOUR COMPANY IS NOT A CHURCH! So all of your personal beliefs about women working have no place in your business. Your company and its owner have no place making financial giving decisions for us. Yet we all sacrifice a portion of our potential salaries so that your company can donate to its preferred local church. This encroaches on all of your employees' personal responsibility to God. God doesn't want you deciding that your employees wives shouldn't be working and thus shouldn't work for your company. God doesn't want you to make financial donations for your employees. God wants your employees to have their own convictions. If they as a family decide their wife shouldn't work then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give 5, 10, or 20 percent of their salary to God then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give to their local church instead of your local church then that's their choice, not yours. Stop playing God in your employees' lives.
Would it have killed you to tell me you love me and give me hugs when I was growing up? Would it have killed you to enjoy life once in awhile? Can you crack a smile for the camera occasionally? Or does your perception of God have you feeling so absolutely terrible about yourself that you must continually beat yourself up over how shitty every human being is and deserving of eternal damnation in hell. Does God's forgiveness and grace even register with you? Sin, sin, sin, sin. You can't say it enough. You won't even listen to someone teach if they fail to mention sin. In your opinion the Gospel must be preached 110% of the time. Weddings. Funerals. Ballgames. Pool parties. Family reunions. Restaurants. Interviews. But your good intentions fail to bring light to one of God's most amazing attributes. His love! Sure, dumping sin and damnation, repentance and the cross on a stranger in four minutes might be used by God to bring about their salvation. But have you shown them the limitless love of Jesus? Or have you just shown them the wrath of God and a glimmer of forgiveness?
I get it Dad. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I hate God and deserve to suffer in hell forever. But for whatever reason God sort of reluctantly decided that he'd show me a bit of mercy and save me from that destiny. So now that I'm redeemed I'm still a piece of shit and am destined to keep being a piece of shit until I die or until God decides to put a final end to this earth that's filled with pieces of shit just like me. Thanks for loving me in the image of your perception of God's love...
There are many things I'd rather be doing right now than typing this letter to you. There are even chores I'd rather be doing right now. But instead I have to spend the rest of my night trying to come to grips with the thought that I am angry and resentful towards you.
When I was first tasked with writing this letter I thought it would be pretty easy to spend ten or fifteen minutes jotting down some things I've been bothered about for a long time and have discussed with others on many occasions. But for some reason I'm finding this as difficult as getting ketchup out of a new bottle. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to resent you.
Dad, in many ways I feel like you have made the act of serving God a god in itself. If I had to guess I'd say you don't truly understand love. Like me, the mental understanding of its definition has failed to connect with your heart. With all of your years spent extensively studying the Bible how have you failed to learn that we are supposed to love God first and foremost, followed by our spouse, followed by our kids, followed by fellow believers? When I asked you about this you said you believed it was God first and then believers. You made no distinction for family. And with that so many things started to make sense to me.
No wonder you can give vehicle after vehicle to a person you barely know and yet refuse to let your wife, your soul-mate, replace the couch she has had for decades. No wonder you can create a job for a supposedly godly person -- who likely has all sorts of doctrine and theology you agree with but can't apply those truths in their own life -- but you can't even pay your own children competitive salaries. It seems blatantly obvious that for the sake of not appearing nepotistic you intentionally treat your own family as less important and with less love than people you barely know. Does this at all resemble the imagery God provided us in the Bible?
I'm angry that I sit here at my computer feeling completely alone in the world. When my world collapsed and my wife left me and I lost partial custody of my son I should have been able to feel your love. But your love seems to involve being physically present, partially mentally present, and monetarily available. I know that you would give me anything in the world if I had need and you agreed with my need. But I absolutely do not believe you love me and trust me enough to give me something I ask for and you don't understand it or don't think I need it. There is a disconnect in our relationship.
Whether you realize it or not you have a death-grip on your family. There is a reason that not a single child in your family can make a decision. It's because we know that if we make a mistake and you don't approve then our wants and needs may not be met. As a result we're all so intensely careful making decisions that it paralyzes us. Our whole lives we've either avoided making decisions or you've failed to allow us to make decisions. You need to let us go. You need to allow us to fail. Because that will also allow us to succeed. Stop playing God in our lives.
I hate the fact that you by most definitions are a rich man, own your own business, your kids have all worked for you, you occasionally mention that you'll take care of us, and yet none of us has any idea what that actually means. I make $20,000 less than a person with my job in Lincoln, Nebraska would make at any other business. I am one of the most fiscally frugal people you will meet. At my current rate of saving I will be able to retire when I'm 96. So basically retirement is not in my future. Should I accept that? Should I live in the dark and just hope that you'll leave your children with an inheritance that allows them to not work every day of their lives until they die? Should I walk out on your business and get a “real” job where I might actually be compensated fairly for the job that I do. How have you not approached us with your plans for the future? You play God with our finances. Do you not love us and trust us enough to talk to us about the future?
I increasingly hate the way you run your company. You claim to hate parachurch organizations. Yet your own business is the definition of parachurch. You try to run it just like a church. I think I understand the theory behind this. But your logic is flawed. YOUR COMPANY IS NOT A CHURCH! So all of your personal beliefs about women working have no place in your business. Your company and its owner have no place making financial giving decisions for us. Yet we all sacrifice a portion of our potential salaries so that your company can donate to its preferred local church. This encroaches on all of your employees' personal responsibility to God. God doesn't want you deciding that your employees wives shouldn't be working and thus shouldn't work for your company. God doesn't want you to make financial donations for your employees. God wants your employees to have their own convictions. If they as a family decide their wife shouldn't work then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give 5, 10, or 20 percent of their salary to God then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give to their local church instead of your local church then that's their choice, not yours. Stop playing God in your employees' lives.
Would it have killed you to tell me you love me and give me hugs when I was growing up? Would it have killed you to enjoy life once in awhile? Can you crack a smile for the camera occasionally? Or does your perception of God have you feeling so absolutely terrible about yourself that you must continually beat yourself up over how shitty every human being is and deserving of eternal damnation in hell. Does God's forgiveness and grace even register with you? Sin, sin, sin, sin. You can't say it enough. You won't even listen to someone teach if they fail to mention sin. In your opinion the Gospel must be preached 110% of the time. Weddings. Funerals. Ballgames. Pool parties. Family reunions. Restaurants. Interviews. But your good intentions fail to bring light to one of God's most amazing attributes. His love! Sure, dumping sin and damnation, repentance and the cross on a stranger in four minutes might be used by God to bring about their salvation. But have you shown them the limitless love of Jesus? Or have you just shown them the wrath of God and a glimmer of forgiveness?
I get it Dad. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I hate God and deserve to suffer in hell forever. But for whatever reason God sort of reluctantly decided that he'd show me a bit of mercy and save me from that destiny. So now that I'm redeemed I'm still a piece of shit and am destined to keep being a piece of shit until I die or until God decides to put a final end to this earth that's filled with pieces of shit just like me. Thanks for loving me in the image of your perception of God's love...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wants & Needs
This week I need to figure out what my wants and needs are. I'm not sure what the best method is for discovering and recording them so I'm just going to let it flow and see where I end up.
I want to know God more intimately. I want to see Him more clearly. I don't want my imperfections to get in the way. I want to love Him more and understand His love more. I want to be complete in Him and not look to others to complete me.
I want to be loved for who I am.
I want to be known at the deepest level. I want to know myself the same way.
I want to love without restraint. I want someone to love me the same way, not because they're returning my love, but simply because they love me.
I want to matter to someone. I'm not looking to kill myself but I'm not sure I'd be missed by anyone other than my son if I died.
I want love now.
I want to share my life, my time, with someone.
I want a companion.
I want affection.
I don't want to simply exist.
I want my potential to be unlocked and used for God's glory.
I want to be physically intimate with my future godly wife.
I want a home and not just a house.
I want to be a loving father. I want to be more than just physically present. I want to train my son and help him grow into a complete and hopefully godly man.
I want to know what happiness is like or perhaps remember what it was like.
I want to be overflowing with joy and have it be infectious to others that know me.
I want to be passionate about something.
I want to get out of my head and stop thinking so much.
I want to be full of energy.
I want to know God more intimately. I want to see Him more clearly. I don't want my imperfections to get in the way. I want to love Him more and understand His love more. I want to be complete in Him and not look to others to complete me.
I want to be loved for who I am.
I want to be known at the deepest level. I want to know myself the same way.
I want to love without restraint. I want someone to love me the same way, not because they're returning my love, but simply because they love me.
I want to matter to someone. I'm not looking to kill myself but I'm not sure I'd be missed by anyone other than my son if I died.
I want love now.
I want to share my life, my time, with someone.
I want a companion.
I want affection.
I don't want to simply exist.
I want my potential to be unlocked and used for God's glory.
I want to be physically intimate with my future godly wife.
I want a home and not just a house.
I want to be a loving father. I want to be more than just physically present. I want to train my son and help him grow into a complete and hopefully godly man.
I want to know what happiness is like or perhaps remember what it was like.
I want to be overflowing with joy and have it be infectious to others that know me.
I want to be passionate about something.
I want to get out of my head and stop thinking so much.
I want to be full of energy.
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