Hurts & Disappointments

Dear God,

I'm disappointed that everything in my life isn't just fine like I always thought it was. In retrospect my life was like a thin layer of glass; once it started to crack the whole thing shattered. I realize this is all part of your plan, part of the "God-story", but I am really hurting. I suppose I should say thank you for keeping me from feeling deep pain as I got older. Unfortunately it seems like each day I learn a knew depth of pain and the prospects of this cycle ending anytime soon don't look very promising.

I'm disappointed my father never learned how to show emotion. I'm disappointed he strong-armed the rest of his family into believing that emotions are misleading and unnecessary and only lead to sin. I'm hurt that I've gone three decades barely knowing what receiving emotional love is like. It's as if an important tool created by God to be able to function in relationships was sitting right in front of me and my father repeatedly told me that tool was destructive. I don't believe he knew any better. He was just perpetuating the lies he was taught and never thought to question their validity.

Father, I'm hurt that I'm essentially alone in this world. If I listed every want or need that I could think of, they would all pale in comparison to wanting a God-loving wife to love and share my life with and grow in the knowledge and love of you. No matter how much I try to let you fill that void I can't get past this. You created us for relationship and we have that. But you also created human relationships to show us more of your attributes. It feels like a no-win situation to me. I want to know you more but my mind is clouded by lack of seeing your love reflected in others. I'm unable to properly love others because I haven't seen your love modeled appropriately. I trust that you will resolve this in time but I'm struggling with being patient. How long must I wait? What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Why can't I have a "normal" family like all the families I've seen modeled my whole life? Why must all the training and experiences I've had my whole life not help me one bit in my life? I feel completely unprepared to live the life you gave me. I feel like I'm wasting whatever unique talents you gave me. I feel like my life as it is now does you no good and does me no good. If I was in charge of everything I'd have G realizing how much I love her and how I'm the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with. Apparently you don't agree with that and I accept it. But if that's the case then what do you want from me? Please make your will known to me. Make the path obvious.