Unencumbered

It's that lonely time of night again. My lonely heart aches for a taste of G. Something to keep me going. I don't know how many times I can fight the urge to open a conversation with her. Each night when I'm alone and there are no more convenient distractions I become a little bit weaker. I'm unable to let go because I'm unwilling to let go. I sometimes find myself staring at my phone, willing it to light up with a message from G. I was thrilled to have that happen on Christmas afternoon after successfully fighting the urge to say Merry Christmas all morning. I wish I knew where G's heart was at but I don't think I can ask that at this point. It seems like it should be months until that conversation but my lack of patience makes the last 10 days feel like 10 months. I hate unfinished business but that's what G and I have. I don't know if there is any other way to go about this without giving up on her forever and I'm not willing to do that. The desire of my heart is to be with G. I don't think God has shown me he has other plans for me at this point so I will continue trying my best to be patient and keep hoping that He will bring us back together again. I await the day that G realizes that I am the guy that has loved her, continues to love her, and wants to always love her. I await her unencumbered heart.

My loneliness is valid

I'm feeling especially lonely tonight. Probably has to do with the amount of time I've not seen G. I don't think I'm feeling lonely for no good reason. I think I am lonely because anybody in my position would be lonely. I have valid reasons to feel lonely.

The lonely goes away when I'm with G and we share our thoughts and feelings. I tell her everything from my heart and get to hear her respond. When I tell everything to God there is no voice that responds. I don't know what to do with that. I'm lonely. There is a hole in my heart. I want Jesus to fill it. But I can't seem to make that next step where I feel whole. What is it going to take for everything to finally click?

Even now, when I have no specific reason for it, I have a feeling of despair. Why can't I feel Jesus' arms wrapped around me. Why doesn't everything feel all better?

I admit it.

I'm a love addict. I read about it for the first time today (starting at myrecovery.wordpress.com) and it fits me like a glove.

I, "David Joseph", am a love addict.

I just wanted to say those words out loud. I'm sure I'll write more about this in the future.

You fucking lied?

Well, you did it. You finally managed to make me angry. All it took was one good lie. I understand why you thought that was an option. But you had another option. A better one. You chose to lie instead. All I ever asked of you was honesty. From the moment I met you I was understanding and supportive of you. Why did you risk compromising my trust? It wasn't necessary. And you did it for something insignificant. Did my uncompromised trust not factor in your decision? Did you deliberately choose yourself over me? Did I not matter at all?

Why G? Now I'm left with the unavoidable question of whether this is a lifestyle for you or a one time mistake. I get to question whether I truly know you at all. Hell, you told me you can look your parents straight in the face and lie. Why should I be any different? Maybe I was just an object filling a void in your life and you knowingly used me. Who is this pretty girl I thought I knew so well? Who is this girl I fell in love with? Does she really exist or is she just an imagination? In my experience this was out of character for you. But now I fear my experience isn't reality. Maybe now I don't have to let you go; maybe now I want to.

You meet my "I love you" with "I love you too". Do you honestly mean that? Think about it. I mean it every time I say it. And I have repeatedly shown you the truth of that statement.

Maybe you do love me and just made one mistake. I'll probably never know because I can't talk to you. I have no choice but to let you suffer alone from the pain and injustice caused you by J. I hate that. If you truly love me and I love you then neither of us should have to suffer alone. But these are the cards we've been dealt. So I'll talk to Jesus. And you talk to Jesus. And maybe He'll somehow make everything okay in the end.

Pain is my reward

Why? Why do I have to suffer loss? Again. Why must I lose the thing I care most about? Again. Why is it that when I seek God more than ever I find myself more alone than ever?

Life is pain. I'm not sure it's ever been better. I don't have much hope it will ever get any better. It doesn't matter whether I serve myself and try to make myself happy or whether I give my life to Jesus and beg Him to give me a little bit of happiness. The result is the same. Pain. Loneliness. Jealousy. Bitterness. Anger.

I just don't understand. I have so very little. Yet I'm asked to let it all go. Again. And for what? So I can learn to be content? Maybe all of those lessons Dad taught me on contentment were actually reflecting God after all. Barf.

I've been content. I've never wanted much. And never asked for anything. Seriously, how much lower could I set my aspirations than to want a life with a wife and kids? Who's goals don't start there? Mine end there. And guess what? God has told me no. Why?

How much more can be taken from me before I break for good? I want to be complete in Christ. I want to see Jesus clearly. I want God to heal my pain. And while I beg for that pain to stop I find Him piling on more pain. Why does He think I can handle it? I don't want to. It's not worth it. My experiences all show that there is nothing to hope for in this world. I want out. I want that elusive intimate relationship with God but it seems obvious it can't happen on Earth.

I fell asleep in tears and awoke in anger. Oh that I could return to days of blissful ignorance where pain didn't exist. The handle has fallen off of my pain faucet and I fear it cannot be shut off. And not only that, but now it's raining pain. I'm soaking wet. My umbrella just broke. A car just drove through a puddle and splashed me. Inside the car was J and G, happy and dry.

Fair this is not. Unrelenting it is. The only relief in sight is eternity with Jesus. And that feels like an eternity away. I'm ready now Lord. There is nothing here for me but pain. I've always been the good guy and my reward is pain. Please stop piling on rewards.

Life

My life has been progressively painful.

Life was recess: fun. The only thing missing was Nintendo. Then we moved and I started public school. Life was complex. I found girls attractive and got a girlfriend. Life was complete. Until my parents found out about my girlfriend and put an end to that. Again my life had a hole in it. Thought I found God. Turns out I was just afraid of hell. Took several years to fill the hole in my life but I found a girl unlike anyone I had experienced to that point. Life was love. College didn't matter. Life was sex. But that was short-lived and taken from me. I had to get married to get it back. So I did. But it wasn't what I was promised. Life was a lie. My wife didn't like my parents. So I put them out of my life. Life was just 2 people. Pregnancy. Life was too fast. Baby. Life was tiring. Months of crying and no sleep. Life was nothing like it was supposed to be. Life was a trap. But it could be worse. Maybe a house will make things better. Nope. Maybe mutual friends. Yes, that worked! For a year. Then I had that happiness taken from me. Life was a tease. Maybe a bigger house. Nope. Maybe a hot tub. Nope. My gut says maybe something fishy is going on. Yep. Internet boyfriend. Life was a cheat. Maybe if I was more fun. Maybe if I drank more. Maybe if I forced myself to dance. Still not working. Gut recognises something is wrong. Trust your gut. Life was intentionally unbareably cruel. Probably should just die and make the pain stop. Couldn't do it. Must set selfishness aside and give my life to God. Life was God. Divorce. Life was God and loneliness. Christian friends. Life was God and love and loneliness. A new girl. Life was God and hope. New girl is amazing. Life was amazing and pretty and hope. Made the mistake I prayed so hard I wouldn't make again. Life was amazing and sex and love and guilt. Repentence. Life was love and God. Mistake. Life was love. Repentence. But an undesired openended break from dating. Life was impossible to understand pain and God. A new church. Life was God and love and grace. God was so much more than I ever knew. Life was God and love and grace and loneliness. A tragic weekend. Life was God and unfair and unrelenting. But hope emerges. Life was God and love again. Then the mistakes return. Life was God and mistakes and guilt and repentence. And then another break. Life was God and pain and more pain. Counseling. Codependency book. Life is God and pain and more pain and even more pain and loneliness.

Thunder Was Here

I'm awakened by my dog barking quietly at distant thunder; wrestled from the peace of dreams back to a reality I despise. My bed is empty save the dog I shared with my first love, the wife of my youth. The life we shared is as distant as the inaudible thunder of a storm passed by. The only evidence it existed is the wreckage left behind.

Here come the tears again. They don't belong to her. They belong to another. I try and pretend they aren't there, that everything is getting better. I try and have a facade that everything is okay. Truth is I'm lonely. Extremely lonely. My friends seem close but they're really far away. I don't have an intimate bond with them. I don't think I ever will. I would lay my life down for them. They might do the same for me. But they will never truly know me. They can't. They already share that bond with their spouses.

Lonely. Tired. Awake. Sad. Headache has crept in to join my heartache. Time moves slow for me. There will not be a second escape to dreamland tonight.

I ache for that which I had but a taste of. Months that felt like seconds. Someone who could know the real me. A second chance at love. Not convenience. Not lust. Not selfishness. But real true love. The kind that only God creates. Intimacy in the likeness of my relationship with Him. I want her to know me like He does. I want her to need me like I need Him. I want her to lay it all on the line, to take a chance on me.

So I wait. And I cry. I lose sleep. Concentration and focus escape me. My only defenses against this heartache are prayer and writing. Tonight I needed them both and still I cry. I am unable and unwilling to give up on her. She is too special. She just might be worth every tear-filled sleepless night. Though I may never find out I will wait for her as long as I am able. I fear my strength is nearly gone.

Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe the months we had were merely seconds spent in fantasy. As time ticks by my grasp on its reality slips away. Soon it will be like distant thunder, its memory dissipating as the sound of a storm moving further and further away.

Lead Me

There's an emptiness deep within my soul.
I ache as I feel the empty void grow.
I could reach for countless things to heal the pain.
But nothing comes close to the glory of your name.

I thought I had what we all long for.
It was fleeting and burnt me to the core.
Then you revealed yourself to me,
healed my heart and set me free.

I didn't realize that I was complete.
I thought I needed her for my heart to be replete.
I was foolish and ignorant, selfish and blind.
How quickly I forgot your love for mankind.

I still love her Lord. We have such great rapport.
Can you please put us back together once more?
There's something between us that I can't define.
I'm led to believe it's part of your design.

God I want to serve you. I want to be all that you will.
I think that I am better with a godly woman still.
Lead me forward Lord, show me the proper way.
Tell me what do and I promise to obey.

Recovery Must Have a Beginning

I'm not emotionally healthy. No matter how much I work to try and convince myself otherwise, time and time again I'm reminded that something is not right.

Over the last decade I willingly gave bits and pieces of myself to others. In my attempt at loving others selflessly I gave away every piece of myself. When the person I loved above all else abandoned me I was left with nothing but myself. Yet I couldn't even lay claim to myself for there was nothing left. I didn't even know myself.

So what did I have? I had questions. Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? Would death be preferable to pain and emptiness?

Losing everything can be a blessing in disguise for it means you have nothing to lose. For me this meant a refreshing freedom to ask questions and look for answers that I feared my entire life. This freedom led me to Jesus Christ. I found him in the pages of the Bible. For 27 years I thought I knew who He was. I was wrong. He is not some fictional character or academic concept. He is not a coping mechanism for the weak-minded. He is the loving Creator of the Universe. He is the Gracious Forgiver. He is Lord of my life. And He is the foundation upon which I now build my life. When everything around me crashes down and disappears I will always have my personal relationship with Jesus; a relationship that can never be taken away from me.

It may take a lifetime to find all that I've lost. Today I begin a journey: a journey of self-discovery, a journey to fully realize the relationship with Jesus I was graciously given. Today I admit my emptiness and helplessness outside of Jesus. If recovery is a process and not an event then it must have a beginning. So with great optimism mixed with cautious pessimism I am proud to call Sunday, June 26, 2011 the beginning of my recovery.

I pray that my journey and my life will be glorifying to God.