Pain is my reward

Why? Why do I have to suffer loss? Again. Why must I lose the thing I care most about? Again. Why is it that when I seek God more than ever I find myself more alone than ever?

Life is pain. I'm not sure it's ever been better. I don't have much hope it will ever get any better. It doesn't matter whether I serve myself and try to make myself happy or whether I give my life to Jesus and beg Him to give me a little bit of happiness. The result is the same. Pain. Loneliness. Jealousy. Bitterness. Anger.

I just don't understand. I have so very little. Yet I'm asked to let it all go. Again. And for what? So I can learn to be content? Maybe all of those lessons Dad taught me on contentment were actually reflecting God after all. Barf.

I've been content. I've never wanted much. And never asked for anything. Seriously, how much lower could I set my aspirations than to want a life with a wife and kids? Who's goals don't start there? Mine end there. And guess what? God has told me no. Why?

How much more can be taken from me before I break for good? I want to be complete in Christ. I want to see Jesus clearly. I want God to heal my pain. And while I beg for that pain to stop I find Him piling on more pain. Why does He think I can handle it? I don't want to. It's not worth it. My experiences all show that there is nothing to hope for in this world. I want out. I want that elusive intimate relationship with God but it seems obvious it can't happen on Earth.

I fell asleep in tears and awoke in anger. Oh that I could return to days of blissful ignorance where pain didn't exist. The handle has fallen off of my pain faucet and I fear it cannot be shut off. And not only that, but now it's raining pain. I'm soaking wet. My umbrella just broke. A car just drove through a puddle and splashed me. Inside the car was J and G, happy and dry.

Fair this is not. Unrelenting it is. The only relief in sight is eternity with Jesus. And that feels like an eternity away. I'm ready now Lord. There is nothing here for me but pain. I've always been the good guy and my reward is pain. Please stop piling on rewards.