Life

My life has been progressively painful.

Life was recess: fun. The only thing missing was Nintendo. Then we moved and I started public school. Life was complex. I found girls attractive and got a girlfriend. Life was complete. Until my parents found out about my girlfriend and put an end to that. Again my life had a hole in it. Thought I found God. Turns out I was just afraid of hell. Took several years to fill the hole in my life but I found a girl unlike anyone I had experienced to that point. Life was love. College didn't matter. Life was sex. But that was short-lived and taken from me. I had to get married to get it back. So I did. But it wasn't what I was promised. Life was a lie. My wife didn't like my parents. So I put them out of my life. Life was just 2 people. Pregnancy. Life was too fast. Baby. Life was tiring. Months of crying and no sleep. Life was nothing like it was supposed to be. Life was a trap. But it could be worse. Maybe a house will make things better. Nope. Maybe mutual friends. Yes, that worked! For a year. Then I had that happiness taken from me. Life was a tease. Maybe a bigger house. Nope. Maybe a hot tub. Nope. My gut says maybe something fishy is going on. Yep. Internet boyfriend. Life was a cheat. Maybe if I was more fun. Maybe if I drank more. Maybe if I forced myself to dance. Still not working. Gut recognises something is wrong. Trust your gut. Life was intentionally unbareably cruel. Probably should just die and make the pain stop. Couldn't do it. Must set selfishness aside and give my life to God. Life was God. Divorce. Life was God and loneliness. Christian friends. Life was God and love and loneliness. A new girl. Life was God and hope. New girl is amazing. Life was amazing and pretty and hope. Made the mistake I prayed so hard I wouldn't make again. Life was amazing and sex and love and guilt. Repentence. Life was love and God. Mistake. Life was love. Repentence. But an undesired openended break from dating. Life was impossible to understand pain and God. A new church. Life was God and love and grace. God was so much more than I ever knew. Life was God and love and grace and loneliness. A tragic weekend. Life was God and unfair and unrelenting. But hope emerges. Life was God and love again. Then the mistakes return. Life was God and mistakes and guilt and repentence. And then another break. Life was God and pain and more pain. Counseling. Codependency book. Life is God and pain and more pain and even more pain and loneliness.