Unencumbered

It's that lonely time of night again. My lonely heart aches for a taste of G. Something to keep me going. I don't know how many times I can fight the urge to open a conversation with her. Each night when I'm alone and there are no more convenient distractions I become a little bit weaker. I'm unable to let go because I'm unwilling to let go. I sometimes find myself staring at my phone, willing it to light up with a message from G. I was thrilled to have that happen on Christmas afternoon after successfully fighting the urge to say Merry Christmas all morning. I wish I knew where G's heart was at but I don't think I can ask that at this point. It seems like it should be months until that conversation but my lack of patience makes the last 10 days feel like 10 months. I hate unfinished business but that's what G and I have. I don't know if there is any other way to go about this without giving up on her forever and I'm not willing to do that. The desire of my heart is to be with G. I don't think God has shown me he has other plans for me at this point so I will continue trying my best to be patient and keep hoping that He will bring us back together again. I await the day that G realizes that I am the guy that has loved her, continues to love her, and wants to always love her. I await her unencumbered heart.

My loneliness is valid

I'm feeling especially lonely tonight. Probably has to do with the amount of time I've not seen G. I don't think I'm feeling lonely for no good reason. I think I am lonely because anybody in my position would be lonely. I have valid reasons to feel lonely.

The lonely goes away when I'm with G and we share our thoughts and feelings. I tell her everything from my heart and get to hear her respond. When I tell everything to God there is no voice that responds. I don't know what to do with that. I'm lonely. There is a hole in my heart. I want Jesus to fill it. But I can't seem to make that next step where I feel whole. What is it going to take for everything to finally click?

Even now, when I have no specific reason for it, I have a feeling of despair. Why can't I feel Jesus' arms wrapped around me. Why doesn't everything feel all better?

I admit it.

I'm a love addict. I read about it for the first time today (starting at myrecovery.wordpress.com) and it fits me like a glove.

I, "David Joseph", am a love addict.

I just wanted to say those words out loud. I'm sure I'll write more about this in the future.

You fucking lied?

Well, you did it. You finally managed to make me angry. All it took was one good lie. I understand why you thought that was an option. But you had another option. A better one. You chose to lie instead. All I ever asked of you was honesty. From the moment I met you I was understanding and supportive of you. Why did you risk compromising my trust? It wasn't necessary. And you did it for something insignificant. Did my uncompromised trust not factor in your decision? Did you deliberately choose yourself over me? Did I not matter at all?

Why G? Now I'm left with the unavoidable question of whether this is a lifestyle for you or a one time mistake. I get to question whether I truly know you at all. Hell, you told me you can look your parents straight in the face and lie. Why should I be any different? Maybe I was just an object filling a void in your life and you knowingly used me. Who is this pretty girl I thought I knew so well? Who is this girl I fell in love with? Does she really exist or is she just an imagination? In my experience this was out of character for you. But now I fear my experience isn't reality. Maybe now I don't have to let you go; maybe now I want to.

You meet my "I love you" with "I love you too". Do you honestly mean that? Think about it. I mean it every time I say it. And I have repeatedly shown you the truth of that statement.

Maybe you do love me and just made one mistake. I'll probably never know because I can't talk to you. I have no choice but to let you suffer alone from the pain and injustice caused you by J. I hate that. If you truly love me and I love you then neither of us should have to suffer alone. But these are the cards we've been dealt. So I'll talk to Jesus. And you talk to Jesus. And maybe He'll somehow make everything okay in the end.

Pain is my reward

Why? Why do I have to suffer loss? Again. Why must I lose the thing I care most about? Again. Why is it that when I seek God more than ever I find myself more alone than ever?

Life is pain. I'm not sure it's ever been better. I don't have much hope it will ever get any better. It doesn't matter whether I serve myself and try to make myself happy or whether I give my life to Jesus and beg Him to give me a little bit of happiness. The result is the same. Pain. Loneliness. Jealousy. Bitterness. Anger.

I just don't understand. I have so very little. Yet I'm asked to let it all go. Again. And for what? So I can learn to be content? Maybe all of those lessons Dad taught me on contentment were actually reflecting God after all. Barf.

I've been content. I've never wanted much. And never asked for anything. Seriously, how much lower could I set my aspirations than to want a life with a wife and kids? Who's goals don't start there? Mine end there. And guess what? God has told me no. Why?

How much more can be taken from me before I break for good? I want to be complete in Christ. I want to see Jesus clearly. I want God to heal my pain. And while I beg for that pain to stop I find Him piling on more pain. Why does He think I can handle it? I don't want to. It's not worth it. My experiences all show that there is nothing to hope for in this world. I want out. I want that elusive intimate relationship with God but it seems obvious it can't happen on Earth.

I fell asleep in tears and awoke in anger. Oh that I could return to days of blissful ignorance where pain didn't exist. The handle has fallen off of my pain faucet and I fear it cannot be shut off. And not only that, but now it's raining pain. I'm soaking wet. My umbrella just broke. A car just drove through a puddle and splashed me. Inside the car was J and G, happy and dry.

Fair this is not. Unrelenting it is. The only relief in sight is eternity with Jesus. And that feels like an eternity away. I'm ready now Lord. There is nothing here for me but pain. I've always been the good guy and my reward is pain. Please stop piling on rewards.

Life

My life has been progressively painful.

Life was recess: fun. The only thing missing was Nintendo. Then we moved and I started public school. Life was complex. I found girls attractive and got a girlfriend. Life was complete. Until my parents found out about my girlfriend and put an end to that. Again my life had a hole in it. Thought I found God. Turns out I was just afraid of hell. Took several years to fill the hole in my life but I found a girl unlike anyone I had experienced to that point. Life was love. College didn't matter. Life was sex. But that was short-lived and taken from me. I had to get married to get it back. So I did. But it wasn't what I was promised. Life was a lie. My wife didn't like my parents. So I put them out of my life. Life was just 2 people. Pregnancy. Life was too fast. Baby. Life was tiring. Months of crying and no sleep. Life was nothing like it was supposed to be. Life was a trap. But it could be worse. Maybe a house will make things better. Nope. Maybe mutual friends. Yes, that worked! For a year. Then I had that happiness taken from me. Life was a tease. Maybe a bigger house. Nope. Maybe a hot tub. Nope. My gut says maybe something fishy is going on. Yep. Internet boyfriend. Life was a cheat. Maybe if I was more fun. Maybe if I drank more. Maybe if I forced myself to dance. Still not working. Gut recognises something is wrong. Trust your gut. Life was intentionally unbareably cruel. Probably should just die and make the pain stop. Couldn't do it. Must set selfishness aside and give my life to God. Life was God. Divorce. Life was God and loneliness. Christian friends. Life was God and love and loneliness. A new girl. Life was God and hope. New girl is amazing. Life was amazing and pretty and hope. Made the mistake I prayed so hard I wouldn't make again. Life was amazing and sex and love and guilt. Repentence. Life was love and God. Mistake. Life was love. Repentence. But an undesired openended break from dating. Life was impossible to understand pain and God. A new church. Life was God and love and grace. God was so much more than I ever knew. Life was God and love and grace and loneliness. A tragic weekend. Life was God and unfair and unrelenting. But hope emerges. Life was God and love again. Then the mistakes return. Life was God and mistakes and guilt and repentence. And then another break. Life was God and pain and more pain. Counseling. Codependency book. Life is God and pain and more pain and even more pain and loneliness.