Giving My Resentment to God

Dear Dad,

There are many things I'd rather be doing right now than typing this letter to you. There are even chores I'd rather be doing right now. But instead I have to spend the rest of my night trying to come to grips with the thought that I am angry and resentful towards you.

When I was first tasked with writing this letter I thought it would be pretty easy to spend ten or fifteen minutes jotting down some things I've been bothered about for a long time and have discussed with others on many occasions. But for some reason I'm finding this as difficult as getting ketchup out of a new bottle. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to resent you.

Dad, in many ways I feel like you have made the act of serving God a god in itself. If I had to guess I'd say you don't truly understand love. Like me, the mental understanding of its definition has failed to connect with your heart. With all of your years spent extensively studying the Bible how have you failed to learn that we are supposed to love God first and foremost, followed by our spouse, followed by our kids, followed by fellow believers? When I asked you about this you said you believed it was God first and then believers. You made no distinction for family. And with that so many things started to make sense to me.

No wonder you can give vehicle after vehicle to a person you barely know and yet refuse to let your wife, your soul-mate, replace the couch she has had for decades. No wonder you can create a job for a supposedly godly person -- who likely has all sorts of doctrine and theology you agree with but can't apply those truths in their own life -- but you can't even pay your own children competitive salaries. It seems blatantly obvious that for the sake of not appearing nepotistic you intentionally treat your own family as less important and with less love than people you barely know. Does this at all resemble the imagery God provided us in the Bible?

I'm angry that I sit here at my computer feeling completely alone in the world. When my world collapsed and my wife left me and I lost partial custody of my son I should have been able to feel your love. But your love seems to involve being physically present, partially mentally present, and monetarily available. I know that you would give me anything in the world if I had need and you agreed with my need. But I absolutely do not believe you love me and trust me enough to give me something I ask for and you don't understand it or don't think I need it. There is a disconnect in our relationship.

Whether you realize it or not you have a death-grip on your family. There is a reason that not a single child in your family can make a decision. It's because we know that if we make a mistake and you don't approve then our wants and needs may not be met. As a result we're all so intensely careful making decisions that it paralyzes us. Our whole lives we've either avoided making decisions or you've failed to allow us to make decisions. You need to let us go. You need to allow us to fail. Because that will also allow us to succeed. Stop playing God in our lives.

I hate the fact that you by most definitions are a rich man, own your own business, your kids have all worked for you, you occasionally mention that you'll take care of us, and yet none of us has any idea what that actually means. I make $20,000 less than a person with my job in Lincoln, Nebraska would make at any other business. I am one of the most fiscally frugal people you will meet. At my current rate of saving I will be able to retire when I'm 96. So basically retirement is not in my future. Should I accept that? Should I live in the dark and just hope that you'll leave your children with an inheritance that allows them to not work every day of their lives until they die? Should I walk out on your business and get a “real” job where I might actually be compensated fairly for the job that I do. How have you not approached us with your plans for the future? You play God with our finances. Do you not love us and trust us enough to talk to us about the future?

I increasingly hate the way you run your company. You claim to hate parachurch organizations. Yet your own business is the definition of parachurch. You try to run it just like a church. I think I understand the theory behind this. But your logic is flawed. YOUR COMPANY IS NOT A CHURCH! So all of your personal beliefs about women working have no place in your business. Your company and its owner have no place making financial giving decisions for us. Yet we all sacrifice a portion of our potential salaries so that your company can donate to its preferred local church. This encroaches on all of your employees' personal responsibility to God. God doesn't want you deciding that your employees wives shouldn't be working and thus shouldn't work for your company. God doesn't want you to make financial donations for your employees. God wants your employees to have their own convictions. If they as a family decide their wife shouldn't work then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give 5, 10, or 20 percent of their salary to God then that's their choice, not yours. If they want to give to their local church instead of your local church then that's their choice, not yours. Stop playing God in your employees' lives.

Would it have killed you to tell me you love me and give me hugs when I was growing up? Would it have killed you to enjoy life once in awhile? Can you crack a smile for the camera occasionally? Or does your perception of God have you feeling so absolutely terrible about yourself that you must continually beat yourself up over how shitty every human being is and deserving of eternal damnation in hell. Does God's forgiveness and grace even register with you? Sin, sin, sin, sin. You can't say it enough. You won't even listen to someone teach if they fail to mention sin. In your opinion the Gospel must be preached 110% of the time. Weddings. Funerals. Ballgames. Pool parties. Family reunions. Restaurants. Interviews. But your good intentions fail to bring light to one of God's most amazing attributes. His love! Sure, dumping sin and damnation, repentance and the cross on a stranger in four minutes might be used by God to bring about their salvation. But have you shown them the limitless love of Jesus? Or have you just shown them the wrath of God and a glimmer of forgiveness?

I get it Dad. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I hate God and deserve to suffer in hell forever. But for whatever reason God sort of reluctantly decided that he'd show me a bit of mercy and save me from that destiny. So now that I'm redeemed I'm still a piece of shit and am destined to keep being a piece of shit until I die or until God decides to put a final end to this earth that's filled with pieces of shit just like me. Thanks for loving me in the image of your perception of God's love...